Asia Carter
Hamilton Salsich
9 Grade
February 3, 2010
TS) The less there is of something the more valuable it is. SD) In Shakespeare's sonnet #29 the narrator expresses that he feels he has no friends. CM) He Felt alone and didnt understand what he did to deserve this fate. CM) He really was searching through his brain to find an answer. SD) After he thought about it he realized that he did have something worth living for, his love. CM) Because he had no friends, his love for another shined brighter. CM) His love was also stronger because he only shared it with one person. CS) All in all he found that his lack of friends turned out for the better.
TS) When I feel down I also think of a certain someone. SD) I think about my best friend Shylia. CM) When everything in my world is crashing down I think of her and it makes me smile. CM) Her friendship is like no other friendship I have ever had and I never want it to end and I wish to grow old with her. SD) When I think of Shylia I am reminded that there are people who care about me. CM) I have many other friends that I am also reminded of, but Shylia is always the first to enter my mind. CM) She is one of the only people who can change my mood. SD) Like Shakespeare and his love, I would be so lost without Shylia.
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Essay 14
Posted by Asj.(: at 18:41
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3 comments:
Asia,
Great Start!
1. I really like the TS in your 1st body paragraph, It's short, and gets your point out very clear.
I also like the last sentence in your 2nd paragraph. It sums your paragraph nicely. (not important but change SD to CS)
Suggestions:
1. In your 1st paragraph, maybe try to change the lengths of your sentences. Try to add to some, making it longer, and try "tightening" some up, see if you can get rid of some words that aren't really necessary.
2. In the 1st paragraph, the 1st SD, put a , after sonnet #29. Naturally I would pause there.
Great Job so far Asia!
Hey Asia,
I really like your TS of the second body paragraph, I can really see you in that sentence. This is a great essay but I see a few things you could work on; In your TS of your first body paragraph I am a little confused, this sentence seems a little vague. Also in the CS on the first body paragraph you need a comma after "All in all."
Asia, there are lots of little mistakes in this draft, and I'm surprised to see that. Your first draft should be the best work you can do.
Also, your sentences are all about the same length. Try to work on using a variety of sentence lengths.
Finally, it would help if you could be more specific in the paragraph about Shylia. Could you give a few specific examples?
Good luck!
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