Asia Carter
Hamilton Salsich
Grade 9
January 27, 2009
My Beautiful White Horse:
An Essay About What Relaxes Me.
1)If I receive a bad grade, when a friend and I argue, when my parents yell at me, if my dog chews on a pair of my favorite shoes, I get angry. 2)When I am filled with anger, and I am frustrated beyond belief, and I feel like there is no hope for a situation, when I need a way to get rid of that anger, I sing.
TS) What relieves your stress? SD) William Saroyan in "The Summer of the beautiful white horse" relieves his anger by riding a horse. CM) Saroyan is poor and he can escape the work that he has to face everyday when he rides that horse. CM) He knows that riding the stolen horse could result in others frowning upon his family name. SD) When Saroyan rides the horse it not only releases despair within him but it sets free anger within the horse also. CM) They both had a chance to stop thinking about situations at home, and just let their mind flow with the wind, and escape the actual situation. CM) Leaving "the horse [...] stronger than ever." SD) The relief both Saroyan and the horse felt helped them work better with others. CM) Saroyan was not short tempered with his cousin who acted like he knew everything. CM) And the horse was "better tempered". CS) William Saroyan and the beautiful horse worked together to relieve their anger.
TS) When I sing, I feel as if peace flows throughout my veins. SD) It doesn't matter where, when, what, or why, but I find that singing releases anger for me no matter what the situation. CM) When frustrated about a problem I start humming because it's my way to cope with my problems CM) During a game, riding a four wheeler, skiing, snowmobiling, I sing and it feels like the stress is floating far away. SD) Like, when William Saroyan rides that horse,when I sing it brings me to a different place, and I feel as if I am no longer on the ground but I'm soaring high in the air. CM) I've noticed that if I listen to music and hum along as I fall asleep or study, while I'm on my way to school, or writing my own song, it helps me to stay on task. CM) Doctors might say it is a way of coping with my ADHD, but it's more about me working through my stress. CS) When I am about to cry, I sing, and it's almost as if the tear that was about to fall down my cheek dries immediately.
1)I am human, with faults and differences, with uncontrollable emotions. 2) I sing to let my emotions free, and without singing I have no idea where I would be.
1. One writing issue I am continuing to work on: My polishing skills, I need to work on taking a closer look at my essays before I call them 'done'.
2. One strong point I see in this piece of writing: I think that I have unity through out the essay.
3. One possible weak point I see: I may be to vague on some parts.
2. One strong point I see in this piece of writing: I think that I have unity through out the essay.
3. One possible weak point I see: I may be to vague on some parts.
2 comments:
Asia,
1. I love your TS in your 2nd body paragraph. It hook me and flowed very nicely.
Suggestions:
1. In the 1st CM you could probably get rid of "that horse". You talk about riding the horse in the sentence before it, so just to tighten up thing sentence you could drop that. (just leave it "when he rides.") Again in the 2nd CM just to tighten up the sentence, drop the word "horse" try leaving it "Saroyan rides it not...."
(because you talk about the horse before)
2. In your last CM of the 1st body paragraph, try not to start the sentence with "and", just take that word out and have it be - The horse was "better temeperd". It might sound a look nicer
GREAT JOB Asia!
This is a wonderful periodic sentence:
"If I receive a bad grade, when a friend and I argue, when my parents yell at me, if my dog chews on a pair of my favorite shoes, I get angry."
You held off the verb till the very end! Nice job!
Don't forget to capitalize all important words in titles.
And check for little mistakes. I see a bunch.
Good luck!
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